It’s in the news a lot these days, some new politician has been sleeping with a secretary or some younger girl behind his wife’s back. A man is coming out that he has been having a gay affair with a man while holding an important office. Tiger Woods had his wife beat the living crap out of him when it came out he had cheated on her once. Ok, twice. Ok, multiple times with over 120 women, according to my Google search. “Well, that’s Hollywood”, some might say. Well what about the pastors and church leaders who have been convicted of the same infidelity? Often times we come down on them harder than others because of their church positions. It’s sad really, if you think about it, we will hold on to the hurts and infidelities of pastors but forgive Tiger Woods for what he did in mere months. But this isn’t a blog about forgiveness, although I will eventually cover that topic, this is a blog about the source of the problem, the reason these infidelities occur: Lack of Accountability.
There are a couple of key things that you have to remember about accountability that will help you to set up a good network of help. I think instead of lecturing you on them however, I’ll let a story show you what I mean. So let’s take a good look at a man that God said had a heart like His own, David. 2 Samuel 11 beginning in verse one, let’s take a look.
2 Sam 11:1. In the spring of the year, the time when kings go out to battle, David sent Joab, and his servants with him, and all Israel. And they ravaged the Ammonites and besieged Rabbah. But David remained at Jerusalem.
2 It happened, late one afternoon, when David arose from his couch and was walking on the roof of the king’s house, that he saw from the roof a woman bathing; and the woman was very beautiful. And David sent and inquired about the woman. And one said, "Is not this Bathsheba, the daughter of Eliam, the wife of Uriah the Hittite?" So David sent messengers and took her, and she came to him, and he lay with her. Then she returned to her house. And the woman conceived, and she sent and told David, "I am pregnant."
Now, I’ll summarize the rest of the story. David sends for Uriah, Bathsheba’s husband who was off in battle. He comes home, and David wants him to sleep with his wife to cover up the infidelity. However, Uriah is a man, and he decided that while his men are off in battle, that he will not go sleep in his own bed, but instead stays at the gate. This puts David in a bind, so he sends word back with one of his trusted men, that once back in battle, they are to put Uriah in the heat of the fight and back away from him, allowing him to die. Thus, David, stayed home from war, slept with a woman who wasn’t his wife, had her husband murdered, and then married her and fathered their child. The whole situation should have been avoided, could have been avoided, if only David had and listened to his accountability.
Here are some observations I have come up with in this story to help make more sense of what Biblical Accountability looks like:
In the time when everyone else was leaving for war, David decided to stay behind and not go out like he was supposed to. In life, especially with men, whenever we’re in place we aren’t supposed to be, lack of boundaries/accountability will always lead to bad decisions.
David was bored on his couch, tired of having nothing to do, so he decided to go to the roof and take a walk. That’s where he sees Bathsheba bathing. This is the point where he should have packed up his ride, found three people to go with him, and run off to find his army and the war. Next lesson: RUN when a situation becomes more than you know you can handle.
Did you spot the first tier of accountability that David blew through? It’s right when he decides he needs to know who this woman is, where he sends for information on her and the messenger says:"Is not this Bathsheba, the daughter of Eliam, the wife of Uriah the Hittite?" In other words, “Uh, Dave, this is someone’s wife, this is clearly a no-fly zone…” Without pausing at all, he dives right into a relationship that would become one of the most talked about stories of the Old Testament. It changed his life forever.
We have to have people in place who hold us accountable. Proverbs 27:17 says: “Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.” Accountability keeps us sharp as believers; it holds our lives to a higher standard.
It’s no secret that I have been in a constant battle with pornography for the better part of 6 years. I was young and stupid and didn’t know what it was doing to me. Even after being caught time after time, I still went back to the habit. My breaking point came after being in my relationship with Jennifer for over a year. I had come to a point in my relationship with Christ that demanded a change, a drastic change. I had to come clean, tell her I had been unfaithful to her, and try and repair the damage that had been done. It was the single hardest thing I have ever done. It wasn’t telling her that was the worst; it was the uphill battle to repair the trust that had been broken. The first step was to get accountability. This meant I had to get three of my closest friends, tell them everything I had told Jennifer, and then have the hold me to a higher standard of living. I put software of my MacBook that sends a report to my accountability partners and lists off any questionable site I have visited. It is a step that I absolutely know I can’t live without. The knowledge that someone is there to see where I might trip up isn’t the point. Although helpful, it’s the knowledge that those guys want to see me succeed in my battle that makes the most difference.
The great thing about accountability is that it’s very similar in the ways you have to set up boundaries in all areas of addiction. Drugs, alcohol, sexual addiction, infidelity, all have similar guidelines that will help keep you on the path away from sin. I asked my good friend Chris to talk about his life before and after Biblical accountability. He was a manager of a band and truly lived a “rock star party lifestyle” in his younger years. Drugs quickly became a vice in his life, and he came to a point where it was either going to be rehab, or death. This is his testimony to the power of accountability:
“When I came out of the Mission of Hope drug and alcohol rehab, I knew there had to be some boundaries set in my life. As Paul wrote in his letter to the Corinthians, my old life had passed away and there was a new life that did not fit in my old circle of friends. I couldn't go play rock star with the bands in the clubs anymore. The problem was I had no new friends who were following Jesus. What I ended up doing was setting some small boundaries. I tried to have accountability with some friends who weren't “that bad" into the drug scene. And ultimately I ended up relapsing a few times before I realized a "new life" in Christ meant I needed new "Christ" like friends and accountability.
The first step into this direction of new friends and accountability was with my small group. I found some guys who were just as screwed up as me, but loved Jesus with all of their heart. I realized boundaries weren't meant to keep me prisoner in a small box of rules....they were to keep the enemy out of my life, my core beliefs, my walk with Jesus. There is an enemy who constantly walks around looking to test and push these boundaries. I had a yellow lab who reminded me of this picture. She walked a literal dirt path in my 1 acre backyard looking for that one spot that here shock-collar wouldn't chirp if she got too close to that boundary. As soon as it stopped, she jumped the fence or dug below and was gone. That is exactly what the enemy is doing against anyone who is following Jesus.
My advice to anyone in recovery of addiction, hurts, or hang-ups is to find allies. We were never meant to walk this journey alone. Jesus could have sent the disciples out with any weapon, fighting angels, or earthly power at His disposal. He chose instead to send His disciples out two by two into the places He called them into. Jesus knew there was power in the fellowship and accountability of two disciples. Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 is God's truth about the power of two brothers walking life out together. The enemy wants to isolate and destroy. When we have accountability, real accountability with someone, there is no room for the enemy to isolate. The power of sin is diffused. God is the giver of forgiveness of our sins. I’m convinced that our brothers and sisters who live life out with us in accountable relationships, they are the ones who bring God's healing from our sins.
My life now looks a lot different that it did when I first walked out of rehab. I have real boundaries that the enemy has not compromised. I have a real brother who is in my life and in my face every week to make sure I'm not giving up any ground to the enemy’s attacks. I have accountability that doesn't end with just a few questions each week. It's a relationship that wraps around my walk with Jesus. I couldn't be where I am today without it, for some of God's most tangible touches in my life have come through my accountability relationships.”
What a powerful example of the way Biblical accountability holds us to a higher standard of life and keeps sin at bay in our lives! With all of these things in mind, here are a few suggestions for steps to finding and keeping, true biblical accountability.
1. Find an accountability partner. When setting up Biblical accountability, the most important step is to find someone you can trust and tell them about everything you struggle with. This is really the most difficult step toward complete restoration. The key to this is not to pick someone you don’t know very well, and not to pick someone in a lesser place in their spiritual walk than you are. If I went out to find accountability for my pornography addiction in a 16 year old high school kid, Christian or not, it would be a bad decision. I just have more life experience than they would. In the same way, you also need to pick someone who doesn’t struggle with, or as strongly with, the same things that you do. If one drug addict was being held accountable by another, the chances of them ending up stoned on the back porch together is exponentially higher. Do not hold back on telling them any of the awful details of your struggle, and leave no topic untouched. Then discuss with them a plan of attack for confronting your addictions head on.
2. Boundaries and a plan of attack. In every major conflict in the last 1000 years, there has been a plan of attack. The ones that didn’t have a plan ended in defeat. This is a big deal. In order for us to overcome and totally defeat our addictions and hang-ups, we must sit with our accountability and flesh out when we struggle most, where we struggle most, who we’re with when we fall into temptation, why its so easy to fall in those situations, and then set up boundaries, specific guidelines to follow, and obey them. If this means you struggle with taking girls home with you from the club, don’t go to the club. If you do go, take people with you who will keep you accountable. If you have a drinking problem, the ABC liquor store or a bar might not be places on your “to go to” list. If you’re like me and porn is your struggle, you might need an open door, low privacy plan or keep software on your computer to keep you away from that. Leave your computer or phone in a room that has lots of traffic. In other words, if you know it’s a place you don’t belong due to temptation and sin, do not go there. Have your accountability ask you daily about your boundaries and whether you are maintaining them the way you have committed to. That is their job after all.
3. Understand there will be relapse. Newton’s law states that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. This means that the better you do, the further out of your sin you crawl, the greater the attack and temptation Satan will put in your life. Sin is really annoying. It has a way of being very convincing and makes us bend or break rules to get what we want. Addiction isn’t called addiction for nothing, it’s ADDICTING. Every addict will fall back into the temptations that they were once plagued by. It isn’t the end of the world, though it may feel like it at the time. The important thing is to remember that it’s not about the fact that you fell back into your sin, it’s how you deal with it once it’s happened. You have to go tell your accountability right away! Don’t let it sit for more than five minutes. If it is a situation where you have a wife or significant other, you have to tell them too. Whether you stay in it or rise above it defines who you are. Remember, we are victorious in Christ and we walk in His Grace. Nothing can change how He feels about us, nothing.
4. Do not think for a second that you have it licked and don’t need accountability. It happens more than you think. Just because you think you’re better DOES NOT give you a reason to drop your accountability. It is a life long commitment; you don’t have to stay with the same accountability, but you MUST keep some. That’s all I have to say about that.
5. Share your testimony and allow God to use you to help others. Now, there is a disclaimer to this one: In order to follow through with this step, you have to have the four previous steps already in place. If God is doing a powerful work in your life, why wouldn’t you want to tell people about it? Yet, sometimes, we are so afraid that people in a church setting or even non-Christians would judge us for the things we’ve done that we remain quiet.
While this is a totally different blog topic, I will just say as an aside, that it’s time for the church to quit judging people for the hurts and hang-ups that they have or have had, and begin seeing their potential as witnesses in areas where most church goers have no experience. I can’t witness to a drug addict like Chris can, in the same way that he couldn’t witness to a porn addict like I can. Yet so much of the time, the church and its judgmental tendencies cause some of the greatest witnesses for God’s word to be afraid to speak out about their struggles.
Anyway, we can’t let what others think about us get in the way of us reaching those who need to hear our message. There is no more fulfilling activity in this life than that of telling others of the hope that is Jesus Christ. It is time we take our hurts and hang-ups and turn them into our ministries and vocations.
I hope that this has been helpful and has caused you think about what true biblical accountability looks like. This has been interesting for me because as I was writing this, I realized there are areas where I have become lax in my own accountability, areas I need to refocus on. Like I said, it never ends. There is always something we can continue to work on. We will never reach perfection, but we will always be seen as perfect due to the sacrifice of God’s only son for us, covering us in grace. Maybe some of you need to go find an accountability partner, some of you need to reconnect with your current accountability partner. My prayer is that somehow this journey into Biblical manhood will continue to benefit and grow us all, and that God will make us into the men He has called us to be. Feedback is always welcome!
